A love Letter: Anxiety & Depression

 

Anxiety, panic attacks and depression are..how do I put this? A punch in the tits. For some, it may be something new that they are dealing with. It may be something that comes later in life. I’ve been suffering since I was a little girl. Now I know you’re thinking, how is that possible? How does a carefree little girl have anxiety? Well, apparently it absolutely can happen (lucky me). I was in first grade when it started. There were a lot of changes occurring. My grandmom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I was not handling it well. I asked my mom “Why is everything changing”? When my mom took me to the pediatrician she said it was most likely anxiety because there was so much change going on around me. Change is something I still don’t handle well and is a big time trigger for me.

anxiety

What does it feel like to have a panic attack? It’s honestly different for everyone. Let’s just say it’s no picnic. The best part is there is usually no warning sign. You may feel an overwhelming sense of dizziness, like you can’t breathe or are hyperventilating, chest pain or like your heart is beating so fast it may just beat right out of your chest cavity or fall out your asshole. Sometimes you may get nauseous. I know sometimes when it gets really bad, I work myself up so badly I get physically ill. Sometimes you feel like you’re going to throw up or it’ll go down south and give you diarrhea-ya know the fun stuff. I get hot flashes. I feel extremely hot and my hands start getting really clammy and tingle. Some may have the opposite, where they feel cold, like they have the chills. When dealing with a serious panic attack you sort of have this tunnel vision. You’re not paying attention to anything or anybody around you. You block out anyone speaking. You are only thinking “Dear God, am I going to get through this? Why do I feel like I’m dying?” No matter how many times you have a panic attack, these thought still run through your head. It’s frustrating AF when someone says they are having a panic attack when they don’t know the true meaning, or when someone just casually throws the term around. Believe me, you don’t know it unless you’ve been there. So next time you’re stressed about a busy weekend, or your shoes not matching, think twice before you say “Oh man, I’m gonna have a panic attack.” To all those people who think it’s not a real thing and say breathe into a brown paper bag, tell them to politely F off.

Anxiety, depression and panic attacks usually come hand in hand, I mean can we get any luckier? As if feeling like you were going to die then maybe shit yourself, you get hit right smack dab in the face with anxiety. Now, if you truly think about, everyone gets anxious. It’s human nature. There are some things that will naturally make you anxious. Unfortunately, the “special ones” like me get a hella good dose of it. Along with Panic Attack Disorder, I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and a bit of OCD. I know what you’re thinking.. way to make up a bunch diagnoses for yourself. Christ, do I wish this were the case. I can name 6 or 7 specific times where my anxiety was unbearable. Where I felt like there was nowhere to turn. Anxiety in simple terms is persistent worry or fear about everyday situations. It only becomes a problem when it interferes with your daily life and everyday living. Your fears or worries usually don’t go away and get worse overtime if not treated. I’ll say it- it’s a mind fuck. Usually with anxiety you fear the worst, even if nothing in particular is wrong. It causes you to become tired and restless and after a while it’s just flat out tiring. Sometimes you dread waking up in morning because you know you’re going to feel anxious.

Some good news. There is help out there. Seeking help is super important. I’ve been seeing the same psychiatrist for 14 years. You bet your sweet ass that’s my longest relationship. I have been seeing him since my freshmen year of high school. Therapy is also a great thing. Finding a therapist you like may be difficult. Springfield Psychological is just a whose who of therapists I’ve seen. So that does take some time to find the right fit. You just have to remember it takes time. Don’t go once and forget about it. Keep trying until you find the right fit or connection. You might have to go through a few (or in my case a directory) but keep going back until you find someone you feel comfortable with. You have to be open. This was something else that was hard for me. You have to be vulnerable and realize that they are only there to help.

As far as medication goes, yes I am on medication or as some jerkoffs call them “crazy pills”. Am I on a lot of medication to control my symptoms? I am. Am I thrilled about that? No. Will I be on it for the rest of my life? Most likely. I have come to accept this.

 

I don’t want this to define me but it is a huge part of who I am. I am lucky I have a mom who also suffers from anxiety. I have great friends I can go to. I have a close friend who constantly sends me daily affirmations. I will help whoever needs help or is in a bad way because I know it feels like it’s the end of the world and it will never go away. I promise you I’ve been down to the lowest of lows and I’m here to tell you there is light at the end tunnel. It’s not the end of the world.

Seek help. Tell your friends. Get treatment. Always remember you are not the only one suffering.

-Maureen Smith

Author: oilswinefine

I thoroughly enjoy vino, my friends, family, and my essential oils. Here you will find my random, scattered thoughts and obsessions on one website. Hopefully it is useful to you. Even if it isn’t, thanks for tuning in.

3 thoughts on “A love Letter: Anxiety & Depression”

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