In fact, it was terrible. I’ll say it.
Please, please, please keep in mind that every single pregnancy is different and absolutely everyone has their own experiences, thoughts and feelings. I just want to share mine so that those who are going through it don’t feel so alone.
So I had a wine + oils night at my house (shocker) on January 24th and called mags before to tell her my body is acting strange and I know my body pretty friggin well. Bring a pregnancy test when you come over tonight. I’m not going to take it until Tuesday because I’m not even late and I don’t want to waste your test. Everyone leaves and after 3 glasses of red, I pour my last one out knowing damn well that it was going to be my last for a very long time. Went upstairs, took the test and almost fell off the can.
Emotions. I was so unbelievably excited I woke Jerry up (12:30am to be exact, poor dude) and he is like hold up I thought you were getting your period (TMI). I had every single symptom, so I did as well, hence why I almost fell off the pisser. This is also why we bought puppy Joe off Bob the bartender after a Sunday day load at Cuddys Brookline. Now I had a puppo and a human on the way. Did not sleep a single wink that night. So many thoughts and emotions, not an oil in the world could help me.
“Omg I am SO grateful, this is unreal. I guess I’ll tell my mom? Is it too early? Wow. Do I take another test? Could it be wrong? Like holy smokes. Jerry goes right back to sleep. I do not sleep a wink. Cried the whole next day because I was so happy/emotional/overtired.
Shell shock. This being my first pregnancy, I think what you don’t factor in is how much your life will change when you actually do get pregnant. My world was just flipped upside down with joy, gratitude, so much love, all the tears and fear. It’s like breaking up with your past life, which I was totally ready for but not at the same time if that makes sense.
There’s the whole, your life was a big party and social events aren’t exactly ideal anymore (I’ll say it). Social events in the first trimester when you are trying to keep it a secret and not throw up are crippling to say the least. It was my birthday weekend so I had all the dinners that could ever be planned so that was fun. Especially if you are sick and tired like I was. I could barely eat or keep my eyes open. My patience was nonexistent. Scratch that, it was in the negatives. The “morning sickness” was actually “all day sickness”. I didn’t even like to be around me. I would literally sit in my car and cry because I was so frustrated at how I felt and I didn’t want to be dramatic about it – as if crying in my car wasn’t dramatic enough. It truly was like waking up every single morning with a stomach bug sprinkled with the flu with a food poison cherry on top. Every single day. For about 2.5 months. Couldn’t use or smell any of my oils. Super B and Ningxia became the only things I could take down and not want die after. Carbs were cool.
My mom never experienced this illness so she was like “omg get over yourself”. Jerry didn’t get it so I started to feel alone and hated myself for not being this glowing pregnant woman skipping around and whistling. Please reread that. Your partner is not going to get it and it is not their fault. They aren’t the one going through these hormonal, body and life changes. That was the toughest for me to swallow because I always have had such an easy time expressing my emotions to loved ones that when both my mom and Jerry didn’t get it I felt so alone. Am I going mad? Thank God for mags. I called her after an exhausting dinner and was like dude what is wrong with me??? She brought me back down to earth real quick.
Don’t get me wrong, there wasn’t a day that went by that I wasn’t SO grateful and in love with my baby, the connection for me was instant. It was just really hard to even think about that when the only symptoms you have are nausea, fatigue, sore tits and severe mood swings. I was no longer in control of my body and emotions.
All worth it. The 8-week appointment was incredible, it became real. Of course you have the whole “what if there’s nothing in there” anxiety chat with yourself because if you say it out loud people think you’re insane. The heartbeat had me sobbing until the minute I pulled back into work. We were like wow this is a true miracle. God has seriously blessed us. How can we be so lucky? My best friend is literally living in my stomach.
So what I want to say is that the hunnies going through it right now, I get you. If you don’t feel good you don’t feel good. It is OK to let yourself get a little frustrated. Our feelings are very important. They count. They matter. Feel it and don’t feel bad about it. I’m not saying walk around hissing at people because you can’t eat let alone smell food because that’s just mean. Just keep pushing through and reminding yourself that the second trimester is euphoric (for most, sorry for those who have sickness the whole 9 months, you literally deserve a friggin holiday dedicated to you) and you are taking part in a miracle. Not many can say that. I am in the second trimester now and it really is all they say. This crazy, hormonal journey is so, so worth it. I never feel alone and I think about him/her all the time. I truly cannot wait to hold this babe and teach him/her that they can literally do and be anything that they want. The world is yours baby M.