Category: Mental Health ◗

 

I feel terrible for those who suffer from addiction. I think it is such a terribly sad and painful thing to go through and my heart breaks for those who have to walk that road every single day. I wish addiction wasn’t a thing.

My heart also breaks for people like me as well. Those who have to walk a road without a brother, sister, mom, dad, cousin, best friend, etc. I could go on and on because everyone is touched by addiction in some way no matter how close to home it is. I will say that the closer to home it is, the more it hurts. The addict might be somewhere far away, still managing to cause you panic, fear and anxiety or the addict could be in your very own home just not present because of the substance abuse. No matter where he/she is, you will still think about them every single day. Worry about them on the reg. The worst part is, you are the one feeling everything. The addict is numb. The addict doesn’t give a fuck because the only thing that consumes their mind is themselves. You know it isn’t who they really are which makes you sad, lonely, and helpless. Not being able to sleep because you are not sure where the addict is ruins your whole next day (sometimes week). You’ll probably find yourself driving around town to locate the addict and make sure he/she is still alive. Haven’t received a text back in days … is he/she dead? Are they alone somewhere? Is it my fault he/she relapsed?

This to me is where the inner conflict comes in. You want to grab them and punch them in the face but you know this isn’t really them. “Do you know what you are doing to me???!” This is not your dad. This is not your brother. Your mom would never do this if she was sober. How can we abandon someone we love? When is enough, enough? How many chances can I give before I throw in the towel and cut this person off? I honestly do not know the answers. I really wish I did but I don’t think there are any. I attend Al-Anon often which helps me out a ton. I also go to therapy. It helps me to realize that there really isn’t a right or wrong way to handle the addict and the terrible sleepless nights, the tears, the pain and anxiety that come along with it. I wanted to scream when I learned that. My mind is so black and white/matter of fact that I really wanted someone to tell me exactly how to handle this. I wanted someone to tell me it is okay to not answer this persons phone call. There are times I find myself irritated that I even have to go to Al-Anon or therapy because of this person. The truth is, everyone has their own ways of handling this nightmare.

Through all of these tangled emotions that come along with addiction, please don’t forget yourself.

While we want to give all that we can we have to leave some for ourselves. You have to protect yourself. I am currently pregnant making some pretty tough decisions that are good for me and my baby. Becoming a mom has changed my whole way of thinking and I think it has hardened me a bit to the bullshit life (and people) brings. Life is short and I think my standards have heightened. If something is causing me anxiety/depression it has to go. No matter who/what it is. Again, these decisions are not easy but I make them to protect myself and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I wish so badly that things were different but they aren’t and life isn’t perfect. I have given a lot. So, so much. I feel like it’s time to give back to me. This is how I feel today and I might not feel this way tomorrow or even next year but right now I am going with it.

Sitting here on a Morning morning drinking my cup of jo, waking up slow. *cue Jack Johnson – Banana Pancakes*. Cue that song always, for real though.

You know when you actually take a minute to breathe and count your blessings and you get all weird like, “okay things are too good, when is my car going to break down?” Or if you have anxiety like me, your mind goes to even weirder shit. Trust. Like house fire shit.

Anyway, I know there are high and low points of life but I don’t necessarily think it changes all as much as we harp on, I think it’s when we decide to focus our energy on the good is when we feel the most blessed. So from here on out I am going to try my friggin hardest to count my blessings. Keyword there is try.

So today I am grateful for so many things. For my mom who has acted as both mom and dad to my brother and I, the woman who brings me back down to earth when I am taking life too seriously. My friends who (now I know I can be biased here) are the best in the world. Every single one of them. They make all stages of life the absolute best no matter how difficult I make them for myself at times. They accept me for who I am.

Be grateful for your flaws too! They make you who you are for Christ sake! If you have a temper like mine and tend to fly off the handle saying things you don’t mean, work on it but don’t beat yourself up about it for weeks. Forgive yourself. You are your own worst enemy when it comes to judgement and critique.

STOP + BE PRESENT. How can you truly enjoy the moment when you are busy snap chatting it? I am so, so guilty of this being the oily insta freak I am BUT I am trying. I recently deleted my snapchat (I mean my snap name was sexc33 but that’s besides the point). When Jerry is acting like a clown or Joe is humping my favorite pillow and I go to reach for my phone, lately I put it back down and continue to laugh. Life is too short. Bask in it.

Are there aspects of my life I wish were different? Oh god yeah. But what would life be without the ups and downs. Are my student loans strangling me? Totally. Do I wish my patience wasn’t so small you need coke bottle specs to find it? Um, yes. I miss old relationships I used to have but that doesn’t take away from the ones I have now that I cherish so, so much.

Life isn’t perfect but I truly believe we are given what we can handle and I like to think God gave me my difficult situations because he knows I’m a tough cookie. Thanks, God. I am so grateful.

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I am so unbelievably optimistic for the new year.

2018 was definitely a rough one, many highs and low but the more I think about it, every year is full of them. Some are worse than other *cough, this one* but that is life right? Nobody is going to have the perfect year. Through all of the ups and downs I am definitely grateful for where I currently am at now. The people I surround myself with are so supportive and genuine. That means so, so much. Through all the bullshit, I have learned so much. Mental struggles brought pain but also brought strength. Loss of family brought agony and sorrow but I learned to actually feel it. I’m so much more in touch with my emotions, who I am, who I want to be, and who I want to surround myself with. Social media portrays perfect lives, but everyone is dealt a deck that contains jokers. Some, more jokers than others which is definitely unfair. But try to remember that while you scroll through your social apps. Everyone has their cross to bear. I’m not perfect, my life isn’t either, but guess what… nobody’s is.

So here’s to 2019. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be somewhere taking care of me. Taking care of my mental health. Taking a day off if I need it. Cancelling plans if I don’t want to go. I wouldn’t call it selfish, I would call it necessary, especially for my mental health. Take care of your loved ones, but don’t forget yourself. Instead of watching trash TV (I’ll never not watch Real Housewives so that’s that), watch an informative documentary or read a self help book. I recommend Girl, Wash your Face and You are a Badass . Don’t have time to read? Listen to them in your car on your commute to work. I find listening to podcasts in the mornings keep me motivated, especially on Mondays when my mind is like “WTF is life”. Be you. Don’t be afraid to be who you are. Those who don’t like who you really are can pound sand. Why would you even want to fuck with those kinds of people anyway? Encourage others, hug your loved ones, hug strangers! Support your homies. The world nowadays needs more of that. I mean there’s always going to be friends and family who occasionally drive you up a wall but forgive them. Be forgiving. Life is way too short and it’s so much easier to love.

So raise a glass to 2019. After all, ya only got one life, so make it a great one.

 

xx Meg

Let me tell ya something, they’re quite alright to have. There were a ton of changes in my life this past year so this Christmas felt a bit forced. I decorated like 5 weeks too early to get into the spirit. Every movie I put on I would get sidetracked with other things and not even pay attention. Jerry and I went to Rose Tree Park to look at the lights and there were about 659 kids running around, we were like yo let’s get out of here and maybe never return? That’s where we got engaged so it was supposed to get me in the spirit, but it really didn’t and you want to know something: THAT’S TOTALLY OKAY.

Life throws ya curve balls. We just lost my grandpop in March (he was like a father to my fam), my grandmom broke her hip so she was in a nursing home and missing her Joey. Other relationships had changed and weren’t as strong as they used to be. They say take the lemons and make lemonade but sometimes you don’t want to, how bout that? Me and my mom couldn’t talk about my grandpop without crying and I didn’t even care. We let it flow. Ya gotta feel your feelings or they’ll explode in other ways.

Even with the downs, there were so many ups. Christmas Eve was the first time my mom and her siblings were all in the same room in Lord knows how long and my grandmom was able to experience it. We had such a nice time. It was such a nice night and I am so grateful for all that I have.

I just wanted to write up a little something for those who felt the same to let you know that you aren’t alone and it is totally fine to feel the way you feel. Things change, life changes, people come and go and if this Christmas just wasn’t your cup of tea, I bet next year will be. And if it isn’t, that is okay too.

I feel as though everyone needs this reminder not only this time of the year, but all year round. Every single weekend is packed with parties, events, weddings, etc. – you need your YOU time. Whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, downtime is so essential to your mental health it hurts. Seriously though, how many times have you gone into the office or started your day on Monday like “yo wtf just happened? Did I have a weekend? Am I dead?”

For me, it is so hard to turn down plans because I love socializing and I’ll never not have a case of the FOMO. I also have this terrible habit of not wanting to let people down. I’m also a terrible liar so I can’t even make another event up to dodge an invite. Chances are, if you invite me to something and I’m available, I’m going. I’ll be there with bells on.

Not anymore. LOL I’m so serious. I don’t know if it is the fact that I’m getting older so I’m tired all of the time, or the hangovers that are actually straight from hell, but I need my downtime. I’m naturally anxious so my brain is constantly going, I’m always doing. I was brought up that way. Like napping wasn’t a thing and to this day I still can’t nap. Jerry takes tiger snoozes and I watch my shit reality shows and pray he doesn’t wake up mid RHONJ.

After a really long weekend a few weeks back my anxiety began to creep back in once the booze from the eventful weekend wore off. I was like fuck, here it is again. That’s when I decided to slow it down and take care of myself. I cancelled plans for my upcoming weekend, naturally feeling bad about it but the sense of relief and relaxation I felt was well worth it.

So, I’ve been working on myself. I say no to plans without any reasoning behind it from the start. While I still feel a little sense of guilt or fear of letting someone down, I justify it by putting my number one priority first. Me. My mental health. My body. My sanity.

Have an amazing holiday season and remember to take care of YOU!

Okay so I had it all together (or so I thought) up until June of 2017. I was planning a wedding, buying a house, had just started a new job and trying my damnest to make sure everything was going perfect. I began to unravel. I think when you try so hard to attain the unattainable, putting unnecessary pressure on yourself, you set yourself up for a mental breakdown. The scary part is, when anxiety/depression happens, you don’t even know what it is. It’s scary and sad. At least in my case it was.

I had so many amazing things going on in my life. My dad was recovering at the time, Jerry and I just put an offer in on a house, and I had started a new career leaving behind one I didn’t necessarily like. You’d think I’d be over the moon, and at times I was but holy shit was I overwhelmed. I held it all inside, hiding my emotions from everyone including myself. The funny thing about emotions is they always find a way out. No matter it be weeks, months, or even years, it comes out. In so many ways it comes out. So here I am at a new job thinking I have vertigo because I am so dizzy (lol) when in reality I was having panic attacks. Growing up I was taught that mental illness isn’t a real thing, to shake it off, eat clean and exercise, you’ll be fine. I would go on to believe that and hurt some of my closest friends who were going through some shit by telling them exactly that. “Why don’t you try taking care of yourself? Don’t drink, eat well and exercise. You do not need meds. You certainly don’t need to talk to someone, that’s like intense.” GUYS, this can not be further from the truth.

Fast forward to me alone in my car thinking that I have never in my life felt so alone. What did that even mean? Driving home from work I have tunnel vision. I am petrified but refuse to tell anyone because if you say it that means it’s real. Couldn’t even see the car in front of me. Get home, don’t say a word about it, take a walk with my mom. We see a car accident on the way and it happens again. I literally lose vision on a sidewalk and pretend I can still see. WTF. As soon as I begin to run on a treadmill my symptoms subside. I have now diagnosed myself with vertigo and burnt corneas (duh from looking at the sun for too long, that’s why I cannot see). L. O. fucking L. No idiot, you’re having another panic attack.

It gets worse. My heart continues to race, it takes me hours to fall asleep while my mind races, my appetite is gone. Finally, I admit it to my therapist. “Listen I have anxiety but I think I can deal with it without meds. I’ll work out, not drink, eat healthy. This will pass.” My dad is heavily addicted to pain pills so naturally I am absolutely petrified of them. I don’t take birth control because being dependent on something every single day sounds scary and unnatural to me. Two more therapy sessions later and I’m begging for something to get me out of this mental hell. I reached out to everyone I know that has gone through this before and suddenly I wasn’t so alone. I began a low dosage of medication and I swear to you it saved me. It usually takes a while to kick in and sometimes you must try a few until you get it right. Sometimes you only need medication for a year or two. I won’t get into it but when your brain is imbalanced, it is what it is. Listen to it.

Jerry once told me as I was sobbing about having to take my lexapro, “it’s like your brain has a cold and you’re giving it antibiotics.” When I first told my brother Ray about it we laughed so fucking hard thinking of Kanye West’s lyrics, “You ain’t never seen nothing crazier than this *&%%^ when he off his Lexapro.” Okay Kanye. Okay.

Since childhood I would take everything on. It was in my nature since my mom is such a bad ass. My dad was in and out of my life dealing with his own issues, causing me much anxiety that I wasn’t even aware of. We were taught to be strong and hold it together. My primary said it best. “You are usually so in control of your emotions so you’re sad and scared because you don’t know why your body is acting like this”.

I think one thing I wasn’t taught was that mental illness is a thing and that it is absolutely okay to not be okay. It’s so important to know that. Reach out if you start feeling weird, if you’ve always felt weird or if it’s getting worse. I promise you will be overwhelmed by the support and honesty. This too shall pass.

Even writing about this makes me feel light.

Okay this isn’t just about red wine, but I really do enjoy a glass or two to wind me down at night. Some people like cake, I like red. Sue me.

About little over a year ago I was in the process of moving, planning a wedding and starting a new job. My anxiety crushed me, and sleep became an issue. Not being able to sleep might possibly be the worst feeling in the world. I’m not kidding, 1am would hit and I was staring at the ceiling wide awake like “are you fucking kidding me?” Then you panic about work the next day and how bad it’s going to suck. Ah man I hate even talking about it.

My life has since calmed down and I got my anxiety under control for the most part, but what I really cherish is my nighttime routine. If you’re having trouble shutting your mind off at night, give the below a whirl. I can’t promise it’ll work for you, but it has helped me immensely.

• A nice hot shower. I shower at night but to each their own. Nothing like hitting your sheets clean as a whistle. Occasionally I’ll add a few drops of my Lavender and Epson salt to my steam shower.

• Nighttime beauty routine. Face serum, lash serum, under eye roller, and sleep roller (down my spine and under my tootsies). Why not treat yourself like to an at home spa treatment every night? You deserve it, queen/king.

• PUMP THE LAVENDER, Sacred Mountain and Roman Chamomile oils about an hour before you retreat to bed. Legit the reason I got into essential oils. These oils are proven to lower your anxiety and calm your mind and I can’t live without them (so dramatic).

• No phone or electronics about an hour before bed. I don’t always abide by this rule but it really does quiet the mind.

• All of the lights go off while I watch my Parks and Rec around 9:30. I fall asleep on the couch by 10pm every night. Soon as that roller hits my feet.

• Lastly, my cherished glass of red. The reason for the season baby. I know there’s so many mixed reviews on if this is actually good for you or not but I choose to believe it is good for me and I will forever be giddy about it. I mean it’s not like I’m chugging a bottle, sometimes I’ll fall asleep mid glass! Let me live!