My Finds

Whether you have 1 kid or 5, stay at home or work, I see you, I am you, I’m flailing as well. 

I had JJ in October and we were cooped up inside all winter while I tried to figure out how to be a mom, battle post partum anxiety, and deal with ground hogs day – every, single, day. 

I didn’t go back to my full time job but I have my own business going on where I can work from home and have a flexible schedule. Seriously blessed to be able to have this opportunity and watch my son grow but have you ever tried to WFH with an infant let alone a kid of any age? It’s impossible. So I decide to get a sitter at least 2-3 times a week while I would go to Starbucks and work. This was simply amazing. Just what I needed, I felt back to myself again. 

Then this shit happened. I think I got to enjoy ooh maybe 2 months of working outside of the home again (not even). Basically my maternity leave has been extended til further notice without any help from anyone, ever and nowhere to go except for a walk around the block – IF the weather permits which for the most part it has not. I feel that “is this my life now” feeling creeping back and it sucks. Now my husband is home working in what was once my office so it’s like a double kick because we are in each others spaces and he can’t even lend a hand because his show must go on. Most days I envy him having his own space and freedom to work. Though I love the flexibility of my job I am literally entertaining a 7 month old all day while trying to work a job that though flexible, requires a ton of communication and hard work. It’s an around the clock gig and I am trying to squeeze it into the 45 minutes naps I am getting. Legit bottle in one hand, laptop or phone in the other.

The word is draining. Some days I am fine, some days I wake up like “again?”. Many days I get to my breaking point. Then the mom guilt comes in. That’s the best. After trying to keep your shit together you lose it and you’re like damn I didn’t mean to do that. The hardest part is that there is no relief. No places to go, no people to help you out. It truly takes a village to raise children and right now us moms are working with a few lone soldiers who are freaking tired. I know we are all dealing with this in different way but I figured if anyone is on my page they might find some  solace in this piece. 

Today was rough. And it’s 3pm … Tomorrow could be better, it could very well not be. C’est la vie. 

We brought JJ home and it was like hysterical that someone left us in charge of a tiny human when we literally didn’t even know how to burp a child before this. However, we were ready to do whatever it took and were already so over the moon in love with this little babe. We had no clue what we were in for. Not a clue. Nobody can prepare you for parenthood. Even when they warn you about the ups and downs you’re like “yeah whatever I got this.”

Narrator: she, in fact, did not have this.

The first few weeks seem like cake because newborns are so lethargic so JJ was chill af. There wasn’t much fussing just sleep (for long stretches), eat and poop. I remember Jerry and I were thinking we nailed it already. This is great! Love this. We have an easy kid! The nighttime is a little rough, whatever, we can do this! Then by week three of no sleep and JJ starting to come to a bit (and fuss like nobody’s business, self-diagnosed colic by his mom) we were like okay we’re dead meat. Walking zombies. Somebody send him back! Totally kidding, but this definitely crossed my mind a time or two.

I think the first thing I had to come to terms with was that my life was totally and completely changed. I no longer mattered. That to do list I lived by never got done – at least in the time frame it used to. That morning cup of coffee was always room temp. Even your meals are up in the air. I couldn’t just run out real quick to do something, I had to now factor in baby J and his 400 lb car seat. The thought of leaving my house with him gave me anxiety because I didn’t know wtf I was doing and he was like a timebomb to me. Every cry I was like WOAH woah woahhhh. Loling, it’s so true. The nighttime legit scared us because Jerry and I slept like the dead and now we were up at all hours of the night trying to figure out why this tiny human was crying. I would actually look at people and be jealous that they were going to have a full nights sleep. I remember calling my mom crying like “Is this my life now? I’m just a slave to this baby boy?” It’s actually hard to remember now but I most definitely had a case of the baby blues.

Here I am now at 6 weeks and here to tell you that things get easier. I am figuring out JJ and he is figuring me out as well. Don’t get me wrong, it was instant love at first sight with him but that first smile really is something else. It’s like okay here we go, I’m doing something right (with tears streaming down my face). There is truly nothing like that first smile. Good Lord. The bond we have is like none other. I idolize him and he idolizes me back. Now I know what his cries mean, when he wants to lay and play and when he’s tired. We have a routine now and omg was I craving a routine. Like I said, we are getting to know each other more and more each day and it’s an incredible type of love I’ll never be able to explain. Me and Jerry just stare at him like “can you believe we made him?” There’s good days and bad days. Like right now I’m half awake because JJ’s room turned into a night club last night, but such is life.

Throughout this journey I think the most important thing that I have learned is that nobody knows what they are doing. Don’t compare yourself or your baby to others during this time – or any time for that matter. There is no right or wrong way to do this. I wanted nail this gig right off the bat. Like, good joke, nobody nails this and everyone cries – and now I get it. You are learning so much about yourself during this time, it’s insane. I am like 1000x more sensitive, more compassionate, and more aware. My anxiety spiked naturally. Mental breakdowns are necessary and so is self-care. Don’t forget about you. Go get your nails done or a massage and don’t feel guilty about it! It truly takes a village so if someone is offering to watch the baby, take the offer. Take it always.

Anyway, I’m not here to tell you how to act because, again, I have no idea what I am doing but I do know one thing and that is that this is the best job I have ever had in my whole entire life and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It is absolutely trying and I’m sure every single stage has it’s challenges but the joy this little man brings me is so worth it. So, for the moms out there who are having themselves a day, I hear you, I see you and I am you. We gotta stick together in this crazy, wild journey because we all we got.